


Collateral Damage

by jade_lil



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Fanfiction, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Sakumoto - Freeform, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-24
Updated: 2014-11-24
Packaged: 2018-02-26 21:51:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2667611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jade_lil/pseuds/jade_lil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For one, he didn't know he needs to walk away until he’s done it, didn’t know he needs the breathing room he has now until he found it, and frankly, this is the first time in ages that he feels particularly better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Collateral Damage

**Author's Note:**

> originally posted in LJ

He gets out of his car at precisely four fifteen that afternoon, barely able to enjoy the cold Nagano breeze when his phone starts vibrating inside his pants’ pocket.   
  
He thinks about ignoring it, imagines the many ways he could get in trouble for leaving his job, his commitments and his bandmates in haste but those aren’t enough to make him regret this.  
  
For one, he didn't know he needs to walk away until he’s done it, didn’t know he needs the breathing room he has now until he found it, and frankly, this is the first time in ages that he feels particularly better.   
  
The vibration in his pocket stops for a few seconds before it turns up again, and this time, he doesn’t even hesitate when he takes it out and doesn’t bother checking who is calling before he turns it off.  
  
+++  
  
The next time he gets out of his car, it is half past eight in the evening.  
  
Its dark all around but he manages to get to the front door of the house without any major mishaps, using his phone to light the way as he walks the short distance from the side parking to the main door. He remembers trekking the same path just a few weeks ago, but the only difference is that it was broad daylight and Sho was with him.  
  
He shakes his head and tries to erase the images of the older man out of his head, swallowing bile as he takes his keys out but it’s difficult. Everything about his relationship with Sho is so difficult lately, and he wonders, not for the first time, if his running away this time is going to be the last straw for them both.  
  
It’s so hard to deal with things when most of the time he’s the only one doing the dealing, when it always feels like he’s the only one working his ass off to keep their relationship up and running. Sho never takes the initiative when it comes to the two of them, and never once he thought about the possibilities of them getting together for real if he hadn’t been brave enough back then to confess his feelings first.  
  
Even now, it is like that. He brings something up, wishing for Sho’s input but all he gets is ‘ _whatever you think is best_ ,  _Jun_ ’ or ‘ _if you like that, then let’s do it’_  everytime. The same way about this house when they bought it – he asked Sho’s thoughts about this but Sho’s simple answer was ‘ _if you like it, then let’s buy it_ ’, without even a second thought.   
  
He knows Sho isn’t like that, hell, the man is as hard-headed as a bull when it comes to work and his other commitments, knows Sho’s temper has always been one of the older man’s weak points but despite all that, he loves Sho just the same. In fact, he loves everything about Sho – from his smart personality (which he finds as sexy as hell, especially when Sho is on TV and delivering the news in all his gorgeous seriousness) and the not-so-very-smart ones, maybe  _especially_  the not-so-very-smart ones. He likes the dorky side of the older man, his silly antics that are the reasons of his many stomach cramps in the past; he loves the sound of Sho’s laughter as much as he loves those sounds he makes when they’re making love, loves drawing them out of the older man’s mouth if he could.  
  
But lately, he couldn’t help but notice the changes – especially with regards to Sho’s attitude when they are together.  
  
It’s not so hard to notice the other things that are missing especially when he realized that there really was something wrong, and he found himself watching Sho closely eversince. His observation prowess may never reach that of Nino’s level, but when it comes to Sho, he can say he’s an expert.   
  
Still, it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with the changes the minute he spotted them, but what’s even harder about all this isn't the fact that something is gravely wrong, but the fact that even if he doesn't admit it, he is scared.  
  
Scared that one day, he will wake up to the reality that he’s lost Sho forever, that no matter how hard he works for both their sakes and for the relationship, it’s never going to be enough for Sho to stay.   
  
He doesn’t want to admit it but it’s probably one of the reasons why he felt like running off today. He doesn’t even know what has happened, what prompted him to suddenly decide to leave everything behind, at least for today, but he knows it’s because of what he saw on Sho's face that morning despite not knowing what it actually was. He took one long look at Sho the minute the older man strode in late that morning into the greenroom (Sho had an early appointment with some producers of some new news segment the station is planning for Sho) and it hit him hard without actually knowing what had prompted it.  
  
He remembers Sho’s eyes meeting his for the briefest instant, and something inside his chest exploded, painful and throbbing, and the need to get out of there fast was the only thing that mattered then. So he did, grabbing Aiba’s keys from the right pockets of Aiba’s workbag (Aiba always, always puts it there) and headed straight to the door without sparing the rest behind another glance.  
  
It’s stupid and immature, running off to avoid facing the thing he’s most afraid of, but he guesses even he is allowed to act this way sometimes. He doesn’t want to face that one thing that makes him vulnerable in all the awful and equally wonderful ways ever, and for once, he wishes his will to fight this battle alone is enough, but it’s never going to be. He doesn't even know which battles he is fighting now, but he thinks every single thing he does in his life, at least for the most part of his adult life, he did for Sho. But now, he doesn't really know anymore. It's hard to look at things the way he used to, especially when he's not sure if he and Sho are still looking at the same thing, the way they did before. The road ahead is blurry and he's no longer sure which path to take, and he knows that to be able to walk straight again, he needs the older man by his side for him to be able to continue walking the path they both promised each other they’d walk together, needs Sho here right now it makes him sick.  
  
Somehow, he realizes how his relationship with Sho has turned into something like this after so long. The codependency itself is one scary motherfucker but it’s the one thing that he knows he couldn’t live without now. But seeing Sho’s face this morning, and the fact that after weeks of watching him, he realizes something really has changed, it broke him, shattered him, and he wonders if there is any chance for him to put the pieces of it back together.  
  
Maybe he could, but he knows he couldn’t do it alone; he needs Sho’s help to put the broken pieces of himself  together,  knows that if anything, he needs the older man here, now, to make everything better.  
  
And the scary thing is that this morning, he looked at the face of the man who means the world to him and saw someone he didn’t recognize, and it urged him to run as far away as he could, wishing his fears aren’t fast enough to catch up to him.  
  
He’s wrong, of course, because in the end, he realizes that no matter where he goes, his fears follow. There’s no shaking it off, no way to throw it away because his fears is also the reason he is breathing, and the very reason he is who he is today.  
  
He wonders if there’s any way to accept the changes once they happened, but for now, he hopes his love is enough to save him, enough to look the reason he ran straight to his face and tell him he’ll be okay.  
  
He turns the knob and pushes the door open, letting his eyes adjust to the darkness as he closes the door behind him.  
  
+++  
  
He’s nursing his third can of beer (leftovers from their recent trip here) when he heard the sound of the front door opening.  
  
He doesn’t even need to check to know that it is Sho.  
  
He keeps his gaze on the dark teakwood table (the first of the few furniture he and Sho managed to buy two months after they bought the house), watching the moisture gather around the beer can before they fall; in other times, he’d probably be freaking out by now, would probably scrambling to grab some paper towels but right now, he feels particularly uncaring.  
  
“You weren’t answering your phone,” is the first thing Sho says the minute he came into view, and he feels his heart rate accelerate just by simply hearing the older man’s voice. There are so many things he wants to say, has imagined so many different scenarios as to how this will end and none of them is pleasant to begin with, and damn it, even his thoughts are a mess.   
  
“Didn’t know you were calling,” he lies, grabbing his beer and taking another quick swig. He doesn’t bother taking his gaze off of the table top, doesn’t bother sparing Sho a look as Sho walks the rest of the way from the doorway to the couch he’s sitting at and flopping himself down at the opposite end.  
  
“That’s not true, is it?” Sho mumbles as he reaches over to steal his beer and takes a swig himself. “Of course you know I'd call -- you left without saying anything and you expect me to just let you be?" Sho says, his tone gentle but he could spy the hint of accusation riding the older man's tone but he's too busy swallowing his emotions down to pay attention. "I called, at least ten times before they went straight to mailbox and I mailed you about twenty times, too. If you had at least replied, I wouldn't have to spend almost half a day to find you,” Sho says, then, “I figured you want to be alone but I can't just sit still not knowing where you are so..." Sho pauses here, then, "This is the last place I imagined you’d go but, well, I was right afterall,”  
  
“You didn’t have to come,” he returns levelly, “I just came here to think,”  
  
“Well you should have at least informed me, or your manager, for one,” Sho grumbles back, “because after the stunt you did earlier, you think I won’t worry?”  
  
“The stunt I did?” he returns, laughing mockingly at the irony.   
  
A beat, then, “Jun, what the hell is going on? This isn’t like you at all,” Sho says, sounding exasperated, if anything. “You ditched us, and your job and no one knows why because you won’t tell us. You’ve been so edgy lately that I feel like I’m walking on eggshells when I’m with you,”  
  
Fuck, so now this is his fault? What the hell?   
  
“If you don’t know what’s wrong, then why the hell are you here?” he asks, mouth twisting bitterly. God, he wishes they’ve thought of stocking the place with hard liquor instead of just beers because right now, he badly wishes he’s too drunk to either pass out to escape this situation or punch Sho in the face then use the drunk excuse afterwards instead of apologizing.  
  
“I  _am_  here because  _you’re_  here,” Sho says, “you don’t need to tell me what ticked you off this morning enough for you to drive all the way here and drink beer all by yourself, but you know, it’d be nice if you could at least let me know what the hell’s happening so I can, I don’t know, help you calm down or something,” Sho says, and god, if his tone isn’t dripping with innuendos, he might have snorted. Or he probably already did, judging with the way Sho chuckles afterwards.  
  
He leans back comfortably on the couch and eyes the older man warily. God, even now, even despite the upsetting tremor rocking his spine, his chest still constricts at the sight of the older man, his chiseled face, the perfect curve of his mouth, the curious slant of his eyes. He wants to touch him, cross the short distance between them so he could bury his nose against the center of Sho’s throat, breathe the older man’s unique scent in that he sorely misses but he can’t, won’t permit himself to do it because then the ache won’t be appeased, he’s just going to ignore it.  
  
“Jun, seriously, what the hell is going on?”   
  
He blinks at the worried look on Sho’s face and finds himself shaking his head as he crosses his arms tightly over his chest.  
  
“You tell me,” he mutters, and the bile rising in his throat is so bitter he thinks he might throw up. He swallows it down and keeps his gaze at Sho. “You’re the one who is acting weirdly lately,”  
  
“Me?”  
  
He nods. “You,”   
  
“What the hell did I do?”  
  
He snorts. “You’re accusing me of the things you yourself are doing, Sakurai-san, and the irony is making me laugh, it really does,” he says, shaking his head again. “You want to know what’s going on with me? Why don’t you try checking out what was going on with you first,”  
  
“Now wait just a minute –“  
  
“Do you know what you’ve been doing lately, Sho-chan? How you’re acting around me?” he cuts in, and god damn it, Sho can very well deal with this now because even Sho knows this, that once he started talking, he’s not going to be able to stop himself. “Were you even aware that everything you’ve been doing lately is enough to worry the shit out of me and drive me crazy?” he says.  
  
Sho is gaping like an idiot and in other times he would have laughed at the dumb look on Sho’s face but right now, he only feels irritated.   
  
“I – I’m not really sure what the hell you’re talking about,”  
  
He huffs. “Right,” he says, “so you’re not aware about those little attitude changes you’ve undergone these past few months, why am I not surprised? Hell, so if I didn’t notice them, then I’m sure there is something wrong with me too,”  
  
Sho remains quiet and he takes this as his cue to continue. “What the hell’s happened to you?” he bristles, his skin sizzles with the desire to hit something. “You – do you even remember the last time you did something for us that wasn’t because I prompted you to? Because seriously, all I ever hear from you lately is  _‘it’s fine if you like that, Jun’_ , or  _‘if you like it enough, then let’s go for it’_ , as if you can’t be bothered to care about what I do so long as I provide you with your weekly orgasm quota,”  
  
He watches Sho’s face turn pale and he almost, almost regrets opening his mouth when Sho’s mouth thinned in obvious annoyance but he catches himself quickly. Afterall, if they’re going to break up over this, then he will make sure he has at least managed to pour his heart out before everything falls apart in his face.  
  
He plans to say something fast but then he sees the way Sho's mouth twitch, and fuck, is the bastard actually grinning?  
  
“Ah, so that’s what this is about?” Sho asks, lips curling in amusement and he feels entirely justified to wipe that smug grin off of Sho’s face with his fist, but stops himself before he does exactly that.   
  
“Amongst other things, yes,” he agrees with a growl, balling his hands to fists.  
  
Sho shakes his head and smiles like a moron, and really, he wonders when he started growing such amazing tolerance (he doesn't have it before, honestly) because instead of jerking right up to throw the first punch, he’s merely throwing Sho a glare that would have sent anyone packing or running towards the opposite direction to avoid him.   
  
God, what the hell is the world coming into?  
  
“Wow, okay,” Sho breathes, still grinning, still smiling like a retard, “Should I apologize or do you need me to explain first?”   
  
He quirks an inquiring eyebrow at the older man’s reply and tilts his head to the side. “I get to choose?”  
  
“You don’t want to?”  
  
Seriously? “You’re being rational about this,” he comments blandly, “I don’t know what to make of it,”  
  
“Someone has to, or we’d end up going after each other’s necks,” Sho returns, still with that smug grin of his, “which is totally not cool, if you ask me,” Sho says, “So tell me what you want,”  
  
“I want to beat you silly right now, you have no idea,”  
  
Sho’s grin is completely unrepentant, boyish and sheepish and what the fuck just happened? He is sure he feels particularly murderous just minutes before and now – what the hell, he doesn’t even know anymore.  
  
“Jun, my sweet, sweet Jun,” Sho singsongs, and wow, does his heart really needs to keep skipping like that just because right now, after so long, Sho is showing him a few glimpses of those familiar smile he learned to love? Ugh, stupid, stupid heart. “Do you still plan on beating the shit out of me if I tell you that I have no idea I was doing those – those little attitude changes you just mentioned?”  
  
“You’re going with the denial card? Really?” he mocks, shaking his head.  
  
Sho shrugs his sloppy shoulders. “I’m telling the truth,” Sho says, then, “but okay, let’s see. I think it’s partly your fault, too,”  
  
“What?”  
  
“You spoiled me,” Sho points out, as if it’s too obvious; he frowns and lets Sho continue. “Not that I don’t like it, because hell, I love it. I think being in a relationship with someone who is as hard-headed and goal-driven guy like myself is tiring, if they’re not you. I mean, we work together, we do things together, plan things together especially when it comes to our careers but when it’s about our personal life, it feels like its alright to give you full reins to everything. Like, I can take the backseat and let you drive knowing that you’re not going to do anything stupid, that you’d take us wherever we should go and that I should just let you and trust you and your mostly wonderful judgment,”  
  
“Where the hell does this driving metaphor came from now?”  
  
Sho smiles again, but he doesn’t move from where he is and god, he’s this close to crossing that short distance between them and it’s killing him to keep himself from doing exactly that.   
  
“I’m saying, I don’t mind you taking the lead," Sho mumbles, brushing his hair off his forehead. "I think I've not been minding anything eversince you and I got together, actually,"  
  
He eyes the older man warily. "Are you saying that you're doing that  _not minding_  thing deliberately? Seriously?"  
  
Sho shakes his head. "Not deliberately, no. Well, I figured that was why you were upset, so I thought it over,"  
  
"Just now?" he asks.  
  
Sho shrugs. "It's not that hard to figure out,"  
  
"It took me almost a month to pinpoint exactly what was bothering me," he points out, "and it took you, what, two fucking minutes to know what it is?"  
  
"I told you, it was not hard to figure out. Besides, you already told me what it was that pissed you off, I just had to think it over for a little bit,"  
  
It is his turn to shake his head. "Unbelievable,"  
  
"What is?" Sho asks, "that it's too easy for me to figure you out when you yourself can't?"  
  
He squares his shoulders defensively. "That still don't answer my question,"  
  
"Oh, there is one?"  
  
He narrows his eyes. "I'm not playing with you, Sakurai,"  
  
Sho musters a laugh that makes his stomach flutter and shit, even despite the anger, he finds the other man so extremely sexy. God, he's so gone.  
  
"Who says I was playing?" Sho says, crossing his arms over his chest and copying his stance. "I'm here now, okay? If there's a problem, you can talk to me about it. If you're pissed about my attitude, then tell me what I should do to straighten them. If you want me to bully you around, I will. If you don't like taking the lead everytime, just say so and I'd gladly take over. If you want me gone, well, let's negotiate because I don't think I'm ready to let you go just yet. Besides, it's late and it's difficult to drive back at this hour when --"  
  
"So are you saying you were doing those -- those stuffs without actually thinking that you were doing them?" he cuts in.  
  
"The  _letting you decide about everything_  thing?" Sho asks. He nods. "I guess so, yes,"  
  
"And it wasn't because you were -- not because you're --"  
  
"What?"  
  
Shit. " -- thinking that you and I ---" he stutters. God, is he going to stutter his way to the end? He supposed to have the upperhand here! " --is a mistake?"  
  
Sho's eyes widen, and his jaw drops for a few seconds before he shakes his head, looking exasperatedly fond.   
  
"Oh my god, Jun, seriously, you were thinking about that?"  
  
"Well, can you blame me?" he half-yells, suddenly feeling so stupid. "It's all your fucking fault! God, I hate you!" he blurts, feels his eyes sting and this urge to hit Sho again is so strong he has to dig his fingernails against his palm to calm himself down. Sho, on the other hand, looks a lot like he's enjoying the moment, grinning like a crazy person.   
  
He closes his eyes at the same time he feels the space next to him dips, feels Sho's arm around his shoulders before Sho's voice follows.  
  
"No, you don't," Sho whispers into his ear, soft and warm, real and familiar. "You actually love me so much that its driving you crazy, crazier than you already are and it's all because of me,"  
  
"You conceited bastard, you're enjoying this!" he bristles, but he welcomes Sho's arms around him, nuzzles Sho's cheek when Sho pulls him down for a tiny, chaste kiss.   
  
"It's hard not to," Sho mutters, "I feel like a million dollar now, it's awesome,"  
  
"Fuck you," he curses, but it lacks the bite and he knows he sounded like a complete girl. "I'll forgive you this time, but the next time you pull this shit, I'm throwing you out,"  
  
"I didn't know I was the one at fault," Sho counters, peppering soft kisses from his chin to his jaw. "But okay, if you say so,"  
  
"And it's fine if you want me to keep doing things for us, but hearing your input sometimes is nice, too," he adds, softer now, leaning into Sho's touch because he needs this, too.  
  
"I will," Sho returns, pulling him and tugging him, moving him so he ends up on top of the older man's lap before he even realized it. "But you have to do something for me, too, alright?"  
  
"And that is?"  
  
Sho reaches up to stroke his cheek, feels the soft pads of Sho's thumb brushing soft touches across his skin.   
  
"Promise me you'd talk to me," Sho says, "if there's anything, anything at all, you tell me, okay? I don't -- I don't like it when you're upset, especially when you're upset because of me. Because we can't fix things if we don't know what's wrong, okay? If I'm not particularly averse at talking, feel free to deck me just to remind me, but just. God, I was so worried when you left this morning, Jun, and I didn't stop worrying until I was sure where you were. I couldn't get to you fast enough and all throughout my journey here, I was thinking of the worst possible things that could have happened. I -- I'm still not good with this kind of things so I expect you to guide me, so if there's anything I couldn't do right, tell me. It's difficult enough to wake up every morning wondering why you're still there, still wrapped around me when you could find someone else, someone better, because I know I'm not -- I'm never going to be the person you'd be proud enough to have but --"  
  
"Sakurai, you stop talking now," he husks out, red-faced and completely stunned, staring at Sho like how Nino probably stares at Leader most of the time when Nino thinks no one is looking. "God, what the hell was that?"  
  
Sho leans up to nuzzle his cheek, his chin. "I love you, okay? How can you ever doubt that? You're like, the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me,"  
  
Okay, seriously, he feels like a million dollar as well and it's all because of this man. This stupid, dumb, sexy as hell human being that means the world to him.  
  
"Oh my god, are you sure you're not drunk?"  
  
"I'm sober," Sho says, squeezing him tight that it's almost uncomfortable but it's okay. After a whole fucking day of his self-appointed misery, he thinks he deserves this. "and I'd really, really like to be kissed now. Make up sex will be awesome too, if you're up for it,"  
  
God, his boyfriend, really. "Seriously, you're a moron," he says, leaning down to peck Sho's mouth but it's hard to keep the kiss simple when Sho's mouth parted underneath his, soft and warm and inviting.  
  
"But you love me, so what does that make you?"  
  
He thinks about it for a bit and shrugs, leans back down again to kiss Sho one more time before he pulls himself upright, offering his hand to Sho.  
  
"The one who is about to rock your world, I hope you are ready,"  
  
Sho grins and reaches for his hand, lifting it up to his mouth and kissing his knuckles tenderly.  
  
"For you, always,"  
  
Damn sappy son of a -- "Oh my god, shut up!"  
  
Sho smiles and lets him lead the way, as always.


End file.
